Timbiebs have arrived

Long after we are all dead, a CBC Gem mini series will be made about the Canadian Don Draper who landed the Timmy’s account and then guided the company slowly but surely to the most significant marketing event in our nation’s history: Timbiebs. Timbiebs are the future of Tim Horton’s. The fact that more ad ink has been spilled on them than this year’s Roll Up promotion is proof of that.

To the casual observer, Timbiebs may seem to have come totally out of the blue, but to the seasoned Tim Horton’s fan, they represent the inevitable endpoint of a trend that began years ago with four cheese and sundried tomato asiago bagels. With these premium bagels, Tim Horton’s got their first taste of charging a little more in exchange for putting some fancy sounding stuff either atop or inside their baked goods. This spread to their “filled” muffins and cookies, and then “dream” donuts, (in fact there are now three tiers for donut prices, “original”, “premium” and “dream”.)

Justifying the existence of a premium Timbit must have been the Tim Horton’s marketing director’s holy grail for some time. Adding more sugar and calling them “Timbit Plus” and slapping them in a “retro inspired” box wouldn’t be enough. How they conceived of and executed a partnership with Justin Bieber will be the subject of debate for years. 

Did Drake turn them down? How much did pandemic related stress play a role in Justin’s decision making? Is Shania Twain currently drafting an email to Tim Horton’s corporate office pitching a concept called “Donut Impress Me Much”? These questions may never be answered. But the most important question of all is this: Will a country gripped with fear of a new COVID variant be charmed by a new Timbit’s variant?

In my opinion, yes we will. I ordered some on launch day before 9 AM, and they were already restocking the Sour Cream Chocolate Chip. I was too embarrassed to actually call them “Timbiebs”, but the lady at the counter knew what I meant, so I did get a box. They come in three new flavours, Chocolate White Fudge, Sour Cream Chocolate Chip, and Birthday Cake Waffle. Honestly, they just taste like much sugarier versions of chocolate, sour cream and birthday cake.

They’re WAY too sweet to eat more than one or two. No responsible parent would give their children a box, certainly. If you’re the type of sweet freak who drinks triple triples, you’ll be like “baby, baby, baby oh!” to these new Timbits, but if you’re a person with a reasonable sugar tolerance, unfortunately you’ll be like “baby, baby, baby, no!”.

Bieber or no Bieber, Timbiebs are the way of the future. We can expect to pay an additional 30 cent premium per blob of fried sugar dough with some extra shit on top from here on out, it just won’t be such a big event next time.